Identifying these seven (7) common reasons doesn’t mean that marriage is a bad thing. In fact, I believe in marriage. I also believe that most marriages can work, and are worth fighting for. All couples will go through tough times. There will be times were you and your partner don’t like each other much, or can’t even have a civil conversation with each other, but there will still be some underlying love, the reason you got together in the first place.
Over the years the “not liking each other” can build up, and if issues aren’t resolved, they can smother the love.
From lack of an intimate connection to exclusive interests such as extreme sports, and sex addiction, here are the 7 most common reasons that marriages fail.
1). Societal Pressure or challenges
Often times our families have thoughts on who we should marry. Women tend to also be racing the clock when it comes to getting the husband and the family started so they are not marked with the scarlet letter of being “30 something and single.” This, i believes can lead to making rash decisions in marriage that in turn can lead to divorce. In that case, it may be the best decision for both parties involved.
2). Lack Of Self-knowledge
There are mix of people that never explored what they like or need and there are others that go with what their family thinks is good for them. These people date who looks good on paper for the family and for a societal image. Whether this is to fit in or stand out, depends on the individual and their life experiences. “My advice to overcome this is to take your time getting to know and love yourself. Understand what you like and don’t like. Document how situations make you feel and if you are able to overcome them quickly or not. Talk your feelings out with your partner, friends or a therapist so you don’t internalize emotions. Finally, accept that you will change over time. What you like at 25 may not be what you like at 30 and that’s okay.”
3). Lack of intimacy
In my practice, this issue has been the number one cause of divorce, or couples filing for divorce. I think if there was such a thing as a libido boosting pill for women, most of us would take it. Men usually have a higher libido than women, and this can often cause issues in relationships. There are women who present with a higher libido than their male partner, but this is less common. However, the counselling and solutions would be similar.
4). Growing Apart
This is particularly important in long term relationships. Couples who have been together for a long time often find themselves looking at each other down the line and thinking “what do we have in common anymore?.”
People change over time. It’s natural. Life circumstances, kids, work, finding different hobbies, can all expand our horizons, and add to our characters. The important thing in a long term relationship is to grow together, and to make a conscious effort to always maintain an intimate connection with each other. I try to encourage my patients to start a new hobby together, or work on a project together that will ensure that they get to spend interesting, quality time growing as a couple.
5). Lack Of Investment
We think of investments in regard to money. But we forget about the time investment and education investment that we need to have in learning how to maintain successful marriages. “Why do we think we don’t need any skills when going into a marriage? What other job do we sign up for without any training?” simply investing time in each other that may include 2-3 hours of your undivided attention for your partner and of course seeking out couples’ counseling and/or books to help you navigate the obstacles of a marriage.
Our inability to truly forgive our partners in marriage is one of the major reasons that they fail. True forgiveness is when we are able to treat our partners as if the offense never happened which proves to be very difficult for couples. We are constantly reliving the trauma of past experiences which never gives the wounds the opportunity to heal.
7). Not Showing Up For Your Spouse
So many things can happen in the course of a marriage, as we experience the ups and downs of life, it’s important that our partners “show up,” in some of the most difficult experiences whether that’s losing a home, the death of a child, or a sick parent. The importance of being able to ask your partner “What is it that you need?” instead of making assumptions. She cites a major issue as the tendency we have to simply want to fix the problem. “Every situation doesn’t need to be fixed. Sometimes you just need to show up,” but finding the opportunities to talk through these tough situations and be honest with your partner.